twenty-seven
trying my best not to make any 27 club jokes today
Another year of my life has passed. My goal for 26 was to spend more time connecting, creating, and choosing my life day to day, without constantly worrying about how other people perceived that. By today, I wanted to feel a bit more confident that the year hadn’t passed me by. I wanted to enjoy the process of figuring life out and find a better sense of who I am along the way.
I certainly feel like I’ve gained a better sense of who I am this year. I’ve tried to enjoy the process of figuring life out more. Did I enjoy every single day of this year? Hell no. There have certainly been ups and downs. But I’ve made an effort to have days that I enjoy, and explore who I am. I don’t think 26 passed me by.
Traveling has been a big part of that: I’ve visited LA, New York (multiple times), and Ireland. Each trip has taught me something about myself.
But the most important steps I’ve taken this year are those back to creativity - in many ways, these have been steps back to myself.
Some of these steps have been through art museums, exploring different ideas and connecting with the artists’ work. I’ve tried to spend many days this year taking in art — even though I am not a painter or sculptor, connecting with these other art forms still inspires me and helps me explore different ideas in new ways.
Some of these steps have been in writing my book, and admitting that I’d like to write a book in the first place. In fact, I’d like to write many books - nonfiction and fiction. It’s certainly helped that the first people I talked to about writing the book have been so supportive - they’ve only ever asked how they could support me, not if I should be writing in the first place. I’ve tried to seek out different writing opportunities throughout the year. Like in LA, I went to the WGA library to read scripts and screenplays, and I realized I’d never even considered that kind of writing as an option. There are still so many paths I could follow that I know so little about.
Some of these steps have been into Broadway shows, which have been some of the most formative (and unfortunately, expensive) steps of my year. From digging into Sondheim’s Merrily lyrics to seeing Lempicka before it closed to watching dreams take shape in Hell’s Kitchen and more, I am so grateful to have had three opportunities to visit New York City and see multiple Broadway shows in many forms. Just last night, I was crying at Our Town. Tonight, I’m planning to see Romeo + Juliet (tagline: the youth are f**ked, and my Gen Z self can’t disagree). There’s a magic in live theatre that lights up my soul. I don’t know how to make it a more consistent part of my life again, but even just seeing these shows has brought me back to 17-year-old Hannah with all of her hopes and dreams, which has reminded me to hope and dream again.
Sometime in the trauma and uncertainty of my early adulthood, I focused on being practical, which for some reason meant moving away from anything creative, especially as a career path. In my path to practicality, I still got laid off. More creative moves are more risky, and I definitely am still searching for a job with more of an income. But I’ve learned that for me, being practical about my life means needing to include being creative. It’s a core part of who I am.
That’s been my biggest takeaway from being 26: in an effort to be practical, I’ve been stifling my creativity, which is not a sustainable strategy for my life.
Art is a necessary part of life. It can help us process the difficult times and celebrate the good ones. It gives us a space to connect to each other and hold space for each other. Art gives us the chance to explore and reflect, which can change the trajectories of our lives.
I’ve been interviewing creatives for the book that I’m writing, and in each interview, they remind me again and again the importance of art in its many forms. Art can change people’s lives, and in doing so, change the world. Being back around creatives and having these conversations feels like we’re speaking the same language - for me, it feels like I’m finally speaking my language again after many years away, however rusty it may be.
The strongest connections and bonds of community I’ve ever experienced have always been connected to creativity in some way: theatre, writing, singing, dancing, reading. My goal for 27 is to create these connections around creativity again in deeper ways.
I no longer feel such a time limit to move — last year, I think I thought my life would just about be over by the time I turned 30 if I didn’t have everything all figured out. I felt such immense pressure to be on a clear path by now. Sure, I’d like to be on a bit more of a clearer path so I can be more focused, but I also want to explore what life has to offer. I don’t ever want to stop growing and learning. I also want to stop just jumping around like I have for most of my 20s — I only want to seek out opportunities if they’re the right ones for me. I think I’ve gained a better sense of myself this year enough to trust and know whether an opportunity is right for me, which I’m proud of.
I think I’ve healed a lot this year mentally, I mean don’t get me wrong I’m still dealing with my killer anxiety on the reg, and I still care about how others perceive me more than I’d like, but I’ve grown more in my sense of self this year than perhaps the rest of my twenties combined. I want to connect this healing more to my body this year. At the beginning of this month, I ended up in the ER with back muscle spasms, and I couldn’t walk. I’d lost most of the mobility in my hips, too. I’m very, very happy to be up and walking again, with much less pain — granted I’m not 100% back to my mobility and pain levels from before, but I think this was kind of a wake up call for me to connect my healing from my mind more to my body, too. I sure hope I can gain all of my flexibility back, for one thing.
Last night, I felt a lot like I did before my 17th birthday. I don’t quite know how to explain the feeling except that of being on the edge of something big happening. I’m hoping it’s something good.
So happy birthday to me, from NYC.
Welcome to Hannah Season 27. I think there might be a lot of plot twists in this one.
I plan to launch my book-related Substack soon, so please watch this space! :)
Also, please excuse any typos in this post, I’m traveling and typing on my iPad.
Happy happy birthday!